Where am I going? What does my future look like? Why am I here? What’s the purpose of life? Have I done any good in the world today? What am I capable of? Am I on the right path? How will I reach my full potential?
These are all questions I ask myself without really intending to. They are questions I have pondered my entire life. I don’t believe it is intended for us to have all the answers right now. I believe we are given the answers when the time is right, when we are ready, in the way God knows we will understand and when those whose lives we are to touch are prepared.
I’ve always wished I could sit face to face with God and know the entire plan… in a factual way… without the necessity of faith. I’ve always wondered why there needs to be a forgetting when we are born… a veil that keeps us from remembering who we truly are and from seeing what really is.
Perhaps it would be like going to college with a folder containing all the answers to all the final exams. I suppose if that were the case most of us wouldn’t learn a single thing. It is in the studying, the research, the projects and the work that we learn what we need to learn.
Maybe it would be like someone hiring a personal trainer to help them lose weight or condition them self for a marathon…. But then watching the trainer do the work rather than doing it ourselves, leaving us with the end result of absolutely no progress. It is in the discipline, the conditioning and the resistance that we transform our bodies to live a full, healthy life or function at full capacity.
So it is with life. If all the answers were given and all obstacles removed we would know nothing, learn nothing and be weak, and yet, isn’t that what we all constantly wish for?
I can only speak for myself, but to me, satan and evil are very real. It is frightening for me to think about leaving them out of the story. Just as we are surrounded by angels and spirits who have passed before us, we are also taunted, tormented and tempted by evil spirits, or satan himself. There have been times when I have ignored this fact in an attempt to show little acknowledgment or give any credit to him, who I despise the most. However, we must give credit where credit is due… he is a master at what he does. Even if what he does is vile, evil, corrupt and dark…. Even though what he does brings immediate gratification followed by long lonely days of anquish…. Even though many of his skills enable him to create the illusion of pleasure, satisfaction and happiness but ultimately result in sadness, regret and pain…. He truly is a master at what he does.
To this point my greatest desire has been to understand and truly know WHO I AM. Thankfully, I believe I am beginning to understand just a fraction of my existence. My desire now, is to trust myself, to clear my life of distraction, and to consistently be on the path that leads me to discovering my very best version of myself. Not the version who looks the best or is seemingly perfect in every way. No! I desperately want to stay grounded and aligned with God so that I can recognize good from evil, enabling me to fill the full measure of my potential…. And the real crowning moment and experience for me will be when I can take what I have learned and use my gifts to help others find this very same thing for themselves.
Recently, as I was returning from a beautiful ride on my motorcycle I entered Spanish Fork Canyon from Price only to find a detour sign. The mountain was on fire. A little disappointed about the idea of adding several hours to an already long day, I rerouted and headed north toward Duchesne. Upon reaching the top of the mountain pass I looked south and saw A WALL OF SMOKE. It left me with a sick feeling of despair and helplessness, knowing the damage that was being done by the fire.
During this ride, and continuing for several weeks, I frequently felt the presence of many very dark spirits. I did not understand why and it was and is very frightening to me. I talked about it with my husband and close friends and was extremely troubled about what was going on around me and why.
I have learned that darkness cannot exist where there is light and so I intently focused on the Savior and I prayed like I’ve never prayed before…. for several weeks…. the answers did not come immediately, but they are coming and I cannot describe the joy and peace and feeling of relief as they have come.
Satan will tell us a hundred truths to sell us one lie. He will use distractions and confusion to keep us from seeing clearly the path we need to be on. It reminds me of the wall of smoke I saw rising from the fire in the canyon. Often times we enter into a smoky or polluted path and it happens a little bit at a time and so it goes un-noticed until we cannot see or breathe. We begin to feel a sense of confusion or panic and we don’t understand why but we can sense that something just isn’t right. We are aware of the problem but unsure how to find clarity and peace.
The first step is to be keenly aware of what pure light feels like so that we can be aware of change as the evil creeps in very subtly. The second step is to be relentless in focusing on the Savior and his light, as well as asking God fervently to remove the fog and help us to see clearly the path He would have us take.
Each of us has a mission and a purpose on this earth. There are specific reasons we are here, lessons we need to learn, trials we need to bare and people we need to help. If we allow life to discourage us or seemingly harmless distractions to occupy our time, which often may be good things… but not things that are moving us forward toward our path, we are essentially allowing satan to keep us from our greatest joy, the joy that comes from knowing who we are, the joy that comes from allowing God to make us more than we ever imagined and the joy that comes from using our personal gifts to help others find their path to their full potential.
As I have recognized the cloud of smoke I was in and have begun to see clearly, I have realized that I need to open the talked about yoga studio in my basement and that this will be a way I can use my gifts to help others discover themselves and their gifts. Very soon I will be holding yoga, mindfulness and self worth workshops in my studio to share what I am learning with all who are seeking answers to the same questions I have asked my entire life. The practice of yoga, meditation and mindfulness have been powerful tools that have helped me to learn who I am, what I am worth, how to feel truth in my body, how to live in the present, reduce stress and anxiety, and most importantly, how to trust myself.
One of my favorite quotes is by Patrick Overton.
“When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on – or you will be taught how to fly.”
I will not force what is not meant to be but rather will gracefully take a step into the unknown and trust that I will be taught to fly.