I am practicing the idea that if I trust, life will surprise and delight me … and that is what Heavenly Father wants for us. He wants us to stay present, in each moment, fully trusting him so that he can surprise and delight us … no matter what situation we are in. He wants us to open ourselves to the understanding that we are part of him, part of the divine. He wants us to trust him so that we can be so much more than our small minds can comprehend. The Great I Am is full of so much more wisdom than most of us ever access. We live in such a small space. I want to always live in ever expanding circles, a spiral that just continues to grow and grow layer upon layer, line upon line, precept upon precept…there is no end.

I’ve been so stuck in cancer. Of late, the water in Lake Powell has been the only way I can describe how invasive and all encompassing cancer is in our lives. It moves into every canyon, arm, finger, crevice and crack. It moves around rocks and over trees. It knows no limits. It feels as though I am cancer, like it defines me. I’ve been living IN the water of lake Powell (cancer) It is heavy, it never leaves, I go on with life, or I go through the motions, but am I really living? Cancer is always there, like a beast staring at the side of my face, just waiting for me to turn and look at it.

When I am spent from the heaviness of watching the torment my son is faced with every day, when I am deeply saddened by the extra burdens and loss of attention and time that my other children have lived with, when I run into dead ends of the “what if’s” and “if only’s” of how different our lives would have been without this thief, when I have no more tears to cry, I try to get so far above “the lake” that I can see every nook and cranny of it in an attempt to stop cancer and the damage it causes, to control the outcome, to control each situation, to keep it from overtaking or contaminating just a few sacred canyons or crevices of our lives.

Neither of those places are where I need to be. I need to be hovering just high enough over the water, like a water skiier…..trusting the driver (The Savior) of the boat that is pulling me, being guided through the calmest water available at the time. I need to be in and enjoy whichever part of the lake I’m in at the time, not trying to control it or anticipate its next move. I cannot control the water … I just have to hang on, trust… and try not to fall.

One day the dam will break or come down, cancer will end, and the canyons, arms, fingers and cracks will be left. Those canyons are a result of the corrosion caused by water, along with other elements, and were pushed to their limits by the water. The water crept, swallowed, pushed, challenged, opened up and expanded those canyons. In a lot of ways it seems like a very aggressive and harmful process, however, are those not the same canyons that so many travel, by water, to look on in awe and wonder at the beauty and growth the corrosion has caused? When the water leaves it will leave behind scars, wreckage, and debris it will also leave behind growth that cannot be undone, it will leave behind treasures, and beautiful memories, never to be forgotten by many.

Nothing is permanent. We cannot be attached to anything. We must be willing to let everything pass through us freely and enjoy it in that moment.

This is leaving behind our nets, as Peter did, when Christ invited him to Come Follow Me. We have to TRUST HIM. God’s ways are not our ways…. He wants to surprise and delight us… I need to let go…. and let Him.